Monday, October 15, 2007

Job Search Manifesto

If you are looking for a job and don't know what to say, please feel free to use this as a template to get you started. Cut and paste as you wish. Also make sure to give credit where credit is due.

To Whom It May Concern:

Hi, my name is (your name here). I graduated from University several years ago. Since then I have done odd jobs, here and there. This is my manifesto for landing an ideal job with you.

I am looking for a high paying job that I am highly unqualified for and highly unmotivated to do. I would like to work as little as possible while getting paid quite well to do it. I expect bonuses and paid vacation/sick days to be bountiful and with no restrictions on when I can use them.

I am very diligent in my routines of arriving a little after 9:15AM, taking my time during lunch, usually leaving a little early, and taking several smoke/snack/nap breaks throughout the day. If you should ever feel the need to raise your voice, which I don't see happening because I'm quiet and keep to myself (it'll be like I'm not even there), let me know in advance. I am very sensitive to loud noises and would like to set my earplugs in place. When you are done with the volume, tap me on my shoulder as I may have fallen asleep. In fact, there's no need to raise your voice at all. Just send me an instant message in all CAPITAL RED BOLD letters with angry faced emoticons, and I will get the picture.
If you should happen to see me performing my job, I would like you to remind me of what's really important. I am disciplined and will spent most of my time in front of my computer surfing the web, chatting with my college buddies, trying to set up dates, or looking for another job. If I do make any progress, I hope it will dutifully be noted and brought up during evaluations.
I am good on the phone and have a pleasant demeanor. I am a skilled speaker and have often made cold calls in the middle of the night to pizza shops. They are quite hostile at first, but after a little negotiation, we tend to work things out.
I am social and get along well with others after I've had a few to drink. I really like working in teams, especially if it's to achieve a common goal, like a drinking game to get a girl naked. I will never show up to work drunk. Trust me. But to ease the tension of a long day, occasionally I will have a drink at work. I rarely get too sloppy though, and can usually wait for happy hour. If I start to feel too giddy, I'll take it upon myself to leave work early. We'll go have a drink with the boys and talk about the highlights of our day.
I promise to give all of my half effort, honesty, dependability, and go get 'um attitude to this position. If you are interested in hiring me, please don't call me. I am most likely sleeping. Email me ASAP and I will get back to you when I can. I look forward to hearing from you and hope to be working for you soon! Thank you in advance for your time and most sincere consideration.

(your name here)

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